I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
