Betty ford says i'm here all night
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
