Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
