1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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