and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
