i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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