You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
