i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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