I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
