the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
