I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
