Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
