I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You're like the curious george of whores
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The power of my boobs compel you
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
