to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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