Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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