How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
