i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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