I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
