I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
