I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
