I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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