I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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