i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
