eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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