I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
