If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
