dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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