I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
