seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Randomize
