He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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