goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All I want is dick and wine.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
