if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
