I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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