just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
