Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my shit smells like andre
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
