it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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