i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
