I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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