Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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