if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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