the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
