I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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