Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She said her name was "party"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
