I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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