I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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