i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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