i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
