He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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