a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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