started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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